A grammar school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two children myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own first-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a child, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.


Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Children bring in pet, turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Anna, a very bright, very outgoing child, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant and says, This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birth day "

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The children are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going Oh, oh,oh!'"

Anna puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the child is doing this hysterical duck walk; holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Anna lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This child is sitting on the floor with her little hands miming water flowing away.

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe." They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff. They said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for him to do. Then the Middle wife smacked him for crawling up in there. "

Then Anna stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Anna comes along!

...WAS AMAZING!

lol. The short run down went as follows:

- 2220 - train to glasgow.

- 2300 - outside borders; no one is around.

- 2355 - cinema to see Zombieland. Was pretty awesome.

- 0145 - set up camp outsid borders.

- 0230 - other people started turning up.

- 0300 - some drunk guitar player sang to us.

- 0530 - some big black guy stood chatting me up for about an hour. Button was jealous.

- 0600 - borders let button in so she could pee.

- 0730 - the queue is right around the back of the building.

- 0800 - the event organisers come out to talk to us.

- 0830 - we get our wrist bands. We're the first three people to arrive and to take part in the sack race.

- 0900 - mcdonalds for the loo.

- 0930 - we head back to the cinema to get tickets for UP in 3D.

- 1000 - film starts - me and stu curl up in the cinema for a sleep.

- 1230 - film is over - button wakes us up. we head to the loo.

- 1300 - standing outside borders as they set up the sack race. we're given our giant pockets.

- 1310 - we manage to find the gays. :) love it.

- 1320 - we record our parts for the mighty boosh's next dvd. i get massive stage fright.

- 1325 - we do th sac race. we manage to come in 8th, 9th and dead last. I was the only racer to fall on my cunt.

- 1330 - we get sent to the very front of the queue to wait on the boosh coming to sign the books.

- 1400 - the boosh turn up. noel is awesome. as is everyone else; bar jullian barrett who looks like he's either shy in person, or just plain cannae be arsed.

- 1410 - we get our books signed. i ask if noel will sign my tattoo and the bouncer says we dont have time. NOEL stands up for me and signs it anyway! Wooo!!!

- 1430 - all done and heading to mcdonalds again for button to change into her hallowe'en costume. frank from donnie darko, curtosy of me.

- 1500 - we head to central. button meets up with carly. me and stu head for the train.

- 1630 - i'm home, dani and i change sam into his hallowe'en costume. a little mummy. so cute.

- 1700 - we take him round to see girls in 102. they give him a fluffy duck :D

- 1730 - i go to bed.

- 1800 - i fall asleep.

- 2100 - dani wakes me up... :'( for food.

- 2230 -i go back to bed.

...And that was about it.

We all got to keep our sacks. So now i have a giant denim pocket...

I have also kept noel's autograph on my boob. i'll be repenning it so that it doesnt fade before i have a chance to get it tattoo's over.

there is pictures and video's to follow.

x

Woke up today at 0800 with the boy and had planned to get some sleep before tonight but i'm too excited! lol.

So we're now 9 hours in to our 36 hour Boosh Adventure! hehe.

Me and Button are going up to glasgow on the 2220 train and heading to see Zombieland at 2355. That should take us to about 0130, when we shall head straight to Borders.

We're setting up camp outside the doors using blackbags and a golf brolly :)

Hopefully by arriving at about 0200 we'll be two of the first 10 people there. :)

Checklist:

Food
Flask of Coffee
Munchies
Playing Cards
Black Bags
Toiletries/Toilet Roll
Music/Speaker/Headphones
Camera/Batteries
Books/Recipt

Soo much excitement!

x

I love my wee blister. Button - you are the shizz NIZZ!!!

Know Alien Resurrection? Wel it's my ALL TIME favourite movie... I heart Winona Ryder and all that but SIGOURNEY WEAVER is just plain SHAGadelic.

Aye, anyway... so... Eleanor Ripley is played by Ms Weaver in all the Alien movies, right? But in Resurection [Alien IV] she is actually a clone of Ripley, casue the government want the alien queen in her chest that she sacrifises herself to kill in the third movie.

Ehm... AYE! - SO! She turns out to be the EIGHTH clone [1-7 are highly retarded as she finds out before she decides to set them all on fire], which is why she has this '8' tattoo'd to her right forearm at the join of her elbow.

Well, now I HAVE AN '8' AT THE JOIN OF MY RIGHT FOREARM and ELBOW! WOOOO!!!!

And Sarah done it! And concidering she hadn't even held a tattoo gun before... IT FUCKING KICKS ALL FORM OF ASSSS!

So there.

We're just plain COOL.

Oh Yeah. x

Me and Sarah are going up to Glasgow on the last train and heading out to the cinema. Hopefully gunna catch a midnight movie. That should take us up to about 0200. Then we're heading for munchies, and camping outside Borders til 0830.

The reason we're in Glasgow so late at night... and sticking around in the wee early hours...

The Mighty Boosh!

The Boosh are doing a book signing on Hallowe'en a 1400. It's a wrist band event and only 250 people are being let in. Wristbands go out at 0830, so we want to be the first people there!

The first 10 people get iven a giant pocket and are invited to take part in a sackrace down bucchanan street for a chance to meet the cast one on one! Cannae wait!

I'm pretty sure that me and Sarah will be the FIRST people there... lol. Hangng around ALL night. In any case, we'll deffinately be two out of 250.

WITHOUT FAIL - I WILL GET Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt TO SIGN MY BOOBS!!! Gunna get them to initial beside my tattoo so that i can get it inked on next to my Boosh ink.

I hope they like my BOOSH tattoo... :)

xxx

It's coming up to that time of year. The xmas buz is hitting people left right and centre. I am, or once, actually excited about xmas this year. We have a new little mind to warp with tales of Santa and the good and naughty list. Heh.

Sam is going to have an amazing first xmas.

So... 6th November. Thats coming up fast. The 6th November was the day I conceived. One whole year ago. Can't believe it's gone so quickly. Mind you, i'm sure if we take a trip down memory lane and delve back a couple of dozen entries we'll find a time when Sam wasn't coming quick enough! And nows he's here... and he's almost sitting up on his own. Laughing and goo-gaa'ing and soo happy. I love him so much.

My mum was right though - I never knew what she meant about having a baby being a bit of an anti-climax. I thought she'd meant that it wasn't as exciting as it's made out to be. But now i know that isn't at all what she meant...

..I expected to feel... well, different. Like a mummy. I dont know how 'like a mummy' if supposed to feel, or quite what i'd imagined it would be like, but i know i expected it to feel like... something. Something different.

It doesn't. I just feel like me. I feel like nothing has changed apart from my weight, and it does get to me. I'll admit it now - it is a bit depressing. I am a bit depressed. :(

I hate the way i look now. Everyone says i suit the extra weight in my face... but i liked the way i looked before. I dont mind the new arse, or the nice 32D's my amazing son has blessed me with... i dont even mind my wee podgey belly. It's the face... the cubby face. And my broad shoulders, and huge hips and thighs.

Sigh. I had a fucking great figure! Shame that's me only just realising it now. Gutted.

BUT MY SON IS AMAZING! And apart from not wanting to be near him when i'm feeling sad because he senses it and it makes him cry, I don't ever want to be far from him. I hope me and my son have the same close relationship i have with my mum. :) That'd be my one dream. My one wish. I wish he loves me.

xx

So, remember back when I thought I was having twins? Then when we thought I'd had a 'clot' that may not have been a 'clot'...

Well I had one of my dreams two nights ago, one of my I-should-ask-if-that-was-a-sign dreams.

Sam was laughing and crawling on the bed, and I was moving so he could change direction and crawl towards me. Picking him up and throwing him back into the centre of the bed, we were all having great fun. But there was another baby boy, Sam's age and looked very similar, sitting on the bed at the pillows, laughing along with Sam and just content watching him wherever he crawled.

I shouted on Dani to bring in a camera as it was Sam's first real fast crawls. She came in and we took a few good snaps of Sam crawling and of us all on the bed. But when I looked back at the pictures the other baby wasn't there...

So I woke up kinda sad... and had a wee Captain Fantastico moment to myself. I spoke about it to Dani and we discussed getting him a houseplant on the offchance he did exist. We agreed on a sunflower. They really do trumpet life. Following the sun all day. Face to the sky.

Last night I asked Cptn. Fantastico to let me dream of him again during the night, or give me a sign that he was real.

I don't think I dreamt of him. I don't know for sure, I can't remember my dreams... but all day today, everywhere I look, in real life and on tv and in pictures and internet videos... standing tall and looking proud, are these amazing big sunflowers...

How often do you see sunflowers? Not very often in my previous experience... but there they where.

We've decided we are going to get a seed, and grow it in our house.

A Sunflower.

For our Jacob.

I'm now doing my first lot of Canvases - most which will be for sale.

A very crappy picture to follow; this is the two main styles i'll be creating out of my Body Printing experiment.

Canvases are pretty cheap compaired to others, considering the work put into them.

Spread the word. The money goes towards getting my tattoo finished - as all my other money goes to baby Samuel :)

Sarah ended up in hospital last night after the doc told her he wasn't happy about her illness because of her autoimmune dissorder. Turns out it was the swine flu we all where dropping like fly's with. She got it worst of all, obviously, as her body just couldn't fight it off like ours.

They've given her tamiflu but she's not getting it. Fucking doctors don't listen. The fact that she has it is evidence enough of that... after me going to my doc for advice and the responce i got from him.

Sarah's had liver and kidney issues before, and already has blood in her urine. And you're not supposed to take the tamiflu is you've got kidney problems.

That and the side effects of the tamiflu are actually worse than the influenza!!

So she's not getting it.

She'll be fine though.

I was there for the Calls from the Towers last night and i'm going down again tonight to watch the 102 Minutes that changed America. Sick interest in 9/11. Love all the documentaries.

x

I'm doing personalized body printing as of now. I'll get some photo's up soon of the work. Just something different.

Another 'different' idea and money making scheme.

But it does involve my desire for the erotica with out having to do anything too risque. lol.

x

So, me and the missus have the flu. Fucking ignorant doctor pretty much told me that he didn't care if i thought I had Swine Flu, cause there's nothing he was going to do for me anyway.

'You'll never know if you've got it or not, because we dont do the swabs anymore.'

'Well, if you're ill there's a chance you'll already have given it to your son so there's not much point in going on about it.'

'You're sister could get it going to tesco... it doesn't matter if you have it.'

'You're on antibiotics anyway, what more do you want me to do?'

---- That was his words when I told him that me and Dani are ill - that she's really not well on the couch. That we both have asthma and that we have a 7 weeks old son and that we are both in contact with my little sister who has an autoimmune disorder.

Apparently it doesnt matter if we give it to Samuel or Sarah... because it's just another flu and they could get it else where anyway...

Can you believe the fucking cheek of that?!

If you have a very young child or a sick sibling, and knew that you had something that could potentially have major reprocusions for them - would you want to know?

I would! - If i had it i'd find someone to take Sammy for us while we got over it... and sure as hell would be staying clear of Sarah!

I hate Doctors. They're the biggest arrogant arse holes of them all.

x

Alistair, or Uncle Ali these days, took me out last night. Out on the town. Out on the scene.

It was great. Got quite drunk... needed a good blow out though - even my mum said so.

Thank you bali... it was good to get to be Bali and Lola again for a night ;p

Tunnel next time ;p

xXx

The wee man has windy tummys. It's distressing for the entire family at the moment. Mamma is only just really realising how bad he is and how stressed i am being left with him alone all day when he's screaming his wee heart out.

He goes purple, he's crying that hard. His wee poor voice breaks and it's horrible.

His wee poo's go from putty-like to thick soup to orange water and back in a matter of days at a time. I'm at a loss.

Keep telling the health visitors and family members and the doctors that i can't cope. I'm not coping... me and Dani broke up and got back together the other night.

When we faught, we actually faught. It was horrible. I ruined the bedroom wall by throwing a full mug of tea round her... so now on top of being sore and sad and crying and NOT COPING i also have to repaint the bedroom at some point.

If he ever settles down and stops being sore and gets into a routine, and if i ever stop feeling guilty and hopeless and helpless and like i'm doing everything wrong.

I'm just trying to be a good mum... doesnt seem to me like i'm coping well enough to be that either.

:'(

12th hour, 34th minute, 56th second on the 7th day of the 8th month of the 09th year...

12:34:56 7/8/09

123456789

Hehe... now that's pretty keewl...

x

My predictions where...

IF/WHEN MY WATERS BREAK: Yes - 2 hours after my contractions start.
DATE I GO INTO LABOUR: 9th July.
HOW LONG I'LL BE IN LABOUR: 6 hours.
DATE I GIVE BIRTH: 10th July.
TIME OF BABY'S BIRTH: 0508.
BABY'S WEIGHT: 6lb 9oz.

The actual fact was...

IF/WHEN MY WATERS BREAK: Yes - 2 hours before my contractions started.
DATE I GO INTO LABOUR: 12th July.
HOW LONG I'LL BE IN LABOUR: 6 hours.
DATE I GIVE BIRTH: 13th July.
TIME OF BABY'S BIRTH: 0711.
BABY'S WEIGHT: 7lb 9oz.

Wasn't too far off actually. lol. And I realised aswell that all the numbers I used for my predictions where based on events and other dates and other relative numbers from my past that are milestones in my life -

I said i'd give birth at 0508 - I gave birth at 0711 [funnily enough the 7th Sept was a big date in my past...]

Also my sleeve tattoo is going to have a 5 and an 8 on it as part of what it represents hense why i said 0508 - 5 + 8 is 13, he was born on the 13th. Meh - Numerology. You find it where you look for it.

;p x

So... my PUPPPs cleared up pretty much as soon as I passed a clot in my Mums.

The Sunday night after Sam was born I felt a really strong pressure and contracted a little, and when I went to the loo it came out in my underwear. It looked like a little sack... a little dark red sack with little light red bit at the end.

I instantly felt like I was empty... like I wasn't pregnant anymore, and like my heart was breaking... In my heart of hearts I don't believe that it was just a clot.

I kept it for the Midwife to come see it on her next visit. She proded it a bit and started to pick away the little light red bit. She looked at me and said that the little red bit was a piece of tissue and the darker red [sack] bit was just a blood clot that formed around it. I really honestly don't believe that it was. I think maybe she was just not telling me what it was in order to save my feelings being hurt when I was already in so much physical agony. No need for me to be mentally hurt aswell.

But I looked at that little clot [sack!] and where she had pulled off the little red bit there was all little vieny bits threaded through it. It was just so dark and red... the way Sam's placenta was when it came away.

I'm pretty convinced that Sam was a twin.

Right up until about 8 weeks or so I was convinced I was having twins... I even told people... and other people even said that I could be having twins.

Then all of a sudden that feeling just disappeared and I stopped getting as big as quick.

Though when I gave birth I still didn't feel like I had. I thought it was just because of my infection or my split abdomen. But as soon as that little thing came out of me that was it. I was tired and sore and teary and all the things I felt after Sam was born.

And it makes so much more sense that the male DNA that seeped back into my blood steam was that of a dead twin rather than a fully alive and developing feotus. And it would explain why I ended up with a Uterine infection aswell, after my entire pregnancy and labour was pretty much perfectly done.

That, and since it happened my stomach has shrunk quite a good bit, and my bleeding has stopped.

Uct I don't know... if I had been pregnant with twins and one didn't survive it was probably meant to be that way - I can't afford to be upset over it but in a way I am gutted. But not in the way you'd think. If one of my baby's died... I'd have at least liked to know - you should be allowed to mourn these things.

I just hate the idea that there's a little angel up there looking down on me and I'm it's mummy... and no one was brave enough to tell me...

If i can, i'm going to research into it a bit... and if i decide that it's more likely than not that it could have been Samuels twin, then i'll be giving him a name, praying he's safe and planting a tree in his memory.

Even though he was in utero, he was still a little life, and ALL life should be recognised and valued. I'll be damned if his shouldn't just because he never made it past birth.

:'(

Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP), also known as polymorphic eruption of pregnancy, is the most common rash in pregnant women. It normally occurs in first pregnancies during the third trimester with an average onset of 35 weeks. Thankfully, PUPPP does not usually affect subsequent pregnancies.

The rash of PUPPP almost always begins in the stretch marks (striae) of the abdomen. It does not involve the belly button distinguishing it from other common rashes of pregnancy. The rash itself consists of small, red wheals in the stretch marks that grow together to form larger wheals on the abdomen. Sometimes the rash can include small vesicles. Over the next several days, the rash can spread over the thighs, buttocks, breasts, and arms.

The rash is very itchy, or pruritic, hence the name. This condition is harmless to mother and baby, but can be very annoying. It lasts an average of 6 weeks and resolves spontaneously 1 to 2 weeks after delivery. The most severe itching normally lasts for no more than 1 week.

The cause of PUPPP is unknown. It is not associated with preeclampsia, autoimmune disorders, hormonal abnormalities, or fetal abnormalities. Some investigators suggest that the rapid abdominal wall distension damages connective tissue and causes an inflammatory response. One study has shown that male fetal DNA can be found in skin biopsies of the rash. Since 70% of women with PUPPP give birth to boys, a new hypothesis is that male fetal DNA acts as a skin irritant.

PUPPP occurs in 1 out of 160,240 initial pregnancies. [HOW GOD DAMN LUCKY AM I?]

---------------------

Turns out, baby boys DNA seeped back through the placenta into my own bloodstream. My body didn't detect it as a foreign body til after he was born therefore it had been given the chance to spread all over my torso, legs, arms, feet and bum. Once detected my body expelled this DNA from my blood through my skin, making me welt and itch uncontrollably. The doctor was called out and I was prescribed an oil-based steroid ointment that once applied managed to further spread the rash from the small welts all over to large patched of horrendous blisters thatweeped and itched and eventually turned my skin to leather.

Apparently my blood couldn't control it's own temperature because of this rash and it over heated, causeing my skin to litterally BURN the oil-based ointment onto my legs and bum where I had applied it. Thus causing my PUPPPs to co-exist nicely as a burn aswel, just to add extra discomfort.

TWO WEEKS OF HELL!

The ONLY thing that helped in the end was Sudocrem and TubeyGrips.

I had not-a-ONE single bloody stretch mark until after this rash appeared, and now i've been left scarred for life. *sigh*

Oh well. Stretch marks and patchy skin means I now don't need a tattoo to mark me as a reminder of Samuel being born.

x

The boy is now registered. :)

Master Samuel-Alexander Alistair Murray. Welcome to the big wide world. xxx